Hailey and Caroline were lounging their chairs, listening to their ipods. It was a hot day at Ogunquit Beach in Maine. Their families were on their annual July trip to Maine for a whole week. The families shared two campers at “Beach Dreams”, their preferred camping site.
“Ahhhh, this is the life.” Hailey said while sipping a Pepsi. “It does’nt get any better then this!” She put the Pepsi back down on the cooler and reached for her sandwich. She looked behind her at the fake mangrove tree. This beach was always trying to seem tropical.
“Mhm.” Caroline muttered. She was shifting her shoulders side to side, attempting to dance in place during her favorite song.
“Come on Caroline! We’ve been tanning all morning. I’m sick of just laying around. Can we play beach volleyball, or go in the water, or at least take a walk?” Hailey pleaded.
Caroline stood up and brushed some of the sand off her legs. “Alright, let’s go in the water.” She moaned. It seemed as though Hailey was indefatigable. Caroline hated going in the water. She hated the cold, but she knew that Hailey was dying to get in so she sucked it up and grabbed a Boogie Board. They ran down the beach and dipped their toes in. Hailey Continued to run in. Caroline started to furtively back away.
“Caroline. Come on. Stop being such a wuss and get over here!” Hailey yelled. There was no way Hailey was going in alone, and she had an irrevocable decision that she WAS going to go in. Caroline groaned and stepped in slowly, hopping at each new wave. Hailey was already just past her hips, and she turned around to see Caroline shivering with the water just past her knees.
"Theres no gaffs in these waters, right?" Caroline shouted.
"Caroline! It's an ocean, not a lake." Hailey started laughing so hard she plunged into the cold water. She quickly got back up and motioned for Caroline to go faster. As she waited she started to circumnavigate for fun.
“I’m coming, just give me a sec!” Yelled Caroline. She quickly ran into the water and grabbed onto Hailey’s arm. They waited for a few waves then both caught one.
“See! This isn’t so bad once you get used to it right?” Hailey Asked.
“Actually, your right. I’m having more fun then I would have thought!” Caroline happily replied. They were riding a huge wave when Caroline saw Hailey flip over and go under the water. She swam over to help her. Hailey wasn’t coming back up. Caroline quickly dove under the water. She couldn’t open her eyes without the salt water burning them, and she wouldn’t be able to see much anyways because the water was dark, and filled with seaweed. So, she felt around for her best friend. She was looking for what seemed like a long time for somebody to be under..she started to panic.
“Don’t panic, don’t panic. She’s probably fine. Maybe she was on the shore right now warming up with a sun heated towel, drinking a bottle of water.” She quietly said to herself. “No,” She answered herself. “Hailey wouldn’t leave me alone.” Caroline came up from the icy water and looked around. Hailey was no where. Caroline whipped her head around and looked at the shore. No life guards. It must have been past 5:00, when the lifeguards are off duty.
She yelled to the man next to her, “Please help me! My friend went under and I can’t find her!” The man yelled to his buddies and they all went further out and started looking. Caroline ran to shore as fat as she possibly could, abandoning her Boogie Board in the water.
Caroline started to yell for help. “MOM! MOM! HAILEY WENT UNDER I CANT FIND HER! WHAT DO WE-”
“Caroline look!” Her mother exclaimed. The men she asked her for help were carrying Hailey up the shore. Caroline was shocked. Hailey’s limp body was no longer smiling. Her hair was a mess, no longer perfect and Straight. Her legs were red from scraping against the ocean floor. Her whole body was shaking and Caroline knew she was still alive and fighting. As her mother called 911, Caroline got all the beach towels she could scavenge. She laid them down on the hot sand. A young woman offered CPR, and tried to get the water out of Hailey’s body. Caroline kept blaming herself.
“Its my fault for letting her go out in the water after the life guards left. Its my fault for waiting so long to find help. Maybe I could have done something more...” Caroline thought. She really needed to stop blaming herself, it wasn’t helping anything- or Hailey. She looked over as Hailey was spitting up water from the ocean. She still wasn’t breathing. The ambulance pulled up. Caroline saw many people watching the men come out and run with a stretcher towards her best friend. All she could think about was the pain of losing the person that means to most to her. Caroline followed the men onto the ambulance.
“Wait a minute miss, you can’t come on here.” Said the EMT.
“What? I have to be! I’m her best friend. I need to be here for her, and I want to know what’s going on.
“Very well, get in quickly.” Replied the EMT. Caroline hopped in. They had life support on the ambulance, and the thought that they might need it scared Caroline. The hospital ride was a blur. Caroline was focused on Hailey's face and nothing else, but she couldn't help but look at the EMT. They finally got a pulse. That very second they pulled up to the hospital.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was two days later. Once there was tidings of Hailey finally being alright, Caroline could sleep. She was in a comma for about 2 hours, from being so cold, and being knocked out in the water from her Boogie Board. She was in recovery for the last week, and today the Doctor emancipated her from the hospital and said she could go back to the beach. Their family extended their vacation so the girls could have more time. Hailey and Caroline were lounging with their ipods & Pepsi's, yet again, and for once Hailey was just fine with that.
"You know, they should really put a warning label on those Boogie Boards." Hailey Joked. "You could She look over at Caroline who gave her a funny look. She took a deep breath and said, "or maybe we'll just keep the water fun for BEFORE 5:00!" The girls both gave out a big laugh. Caroline was feeling a bit taut about the whole situation.
"Hailey...? I want to make the rest of the vacation as fun as possible for, soo......do you you want to go in the water?" Caroline made a funny face, maybe she shouldn't have asked that? Hailey let out a large sigh and frowned. Caroline quickly became nervous. She started to sweat as she thought that the question could have shocked Hailey or made her uncomfortable. "Or not! I mean, it doesn't really matter to me. Its not a big de-"
Hailey quickly cut her off. There was a nictus as Hailey sorted out her words. She didn't want to soud inept when she told Caroline what she was feeling. She touched the contusion one her head, then began.
"Caroline. What you just asked me made me so happy." Hailey said in a serious voice. "I know your afraid to go back into the water because of what happened to me, and I don't really blame you. So asking that made me feel like you care more about me and this friendship then you do yourself." Caroline's countenance was priceless.
"Oh I.." Caroline didnt even know what to say. As she thought about what her friend had just said to her, she grinned ear to ear, analagous to the one Hailey had. They were best friends; And nothing could ever change that. They gave each other a hug. Caroline truley learned that day, that friendship is the most valuable thing you can ever have.
“Ahhhh, this is the life.” Hailey said while sipping a Pepsi. “It does’nt get any better then this!” She put the Pepsi back down on the cooler and reached for her sandwich. She looked behind her at the fake mangrove tree. This beach was always trying to seem tropical.
“Mhm.” Caroline muttered. She was shifting her shoulders side to side, attempting to dance in place during her favorite song.
“Come on Caroline! We’ve been tanning all morning. I’m sick of just laying around. Can we play beach volleyball, or go in the water, or at least take a walk?” Hailey pleaded.
Caroline stood up and brushed some of the sand off her legs. “Alright, let’s go in the water.” She moaned. It seemed as though Hailey was indefatigable. Caroline hated going in the water. She hated the cold, but she knew that Hailey was dying to get in so she sucked it up and grabbed a Boogie Board. They ran down the beach and dipped their toes in. Hailey Continued to run in. Caroline started to furtively back away.
“Caroline. Come on. Stop being such a wuss and get over here!” Hailey yelled. There was no way Hailey was going in alone, and she had an irrevocable decision that she WAS going to go in. Caroline groaned and stepped in slowly, hopping at each new wave. Hailey was already just past her hips, and she turned around to see Caroline shivering with the water just past her knees.
"Theres no gaffs in these waters, right?" Caroline shouted.
"Caroline! It's an ocean, not a lake." Hailey started laughing so hard she plunged into the cold water. She quickly got back up and motioned for Caroline to go faster. As she waited she started to circumnavigate for fun.
“I’m coming, just give me a sec!” Yelled Caroline. She quickly ran into the water and grabbed onto Hailey’s arm. They waited for a few waves then both caught one.
“See! This isn’t so bad once you get used to it right?” Hailey Asked.
“Actually, your right. I’m having more fun then I would have thought!” Caroline happily replied. They were riding a huge wave when Caroline saw Hailey flip over and go under the water. She swam over to help her. Hailey wasn’t coming back up. Caroline quickly dove under the water. She couldn’t open her eyes without the salt water burning them, and she wouldn’t be able to see much anyways because the water was dark, and filled with seaweed. So, she felt around for her best friend. She was looking for what seemed like a long time for somebody to be under..she started to panic.
“Don’t panic, don’t panic. She’s probably fine. Maybe she was on the shore right now warming up with a sun heated towel, drinking a bottle of water.” She quietly said to herself. “No,” She answered herself. “Hailey wouldn’t leave me alone.” Caroline came up from the icy water and looked around. Hailey was no where. Caroline whipped her head around and looked at the shore. No life guards. It must have been past 5:00, when the lifeguards are off duty.
She yelled to the man next to her, “Please help me! My friend went under and I can’t find her!” The man yelled to his buddies and they all went further out and started looking. Caroline ran to shore as fat as she possibly could, abandoning her Boogie Board in the water.
Caroline started to yell for help. “MOM! MOM! HAILEY WENT UNDER I CANT FIND HER! WHAT DO WE-”
“Caroline look!” Her mother exclaimed. The men she asked her for help were carrying Hailey up the shore. Caroline was shocked. Hailey’s limp body was no longer smiling. Her hair was a mess, no longer perfect and Straight. Her legs were red from scraping against the ocean floor. Her whole body was shaking and Caroline knew she was still alive and fighting. As her mother called 911, Caroline got all the beach towels she could scavenge. She laid them down on the hot sand. A young woman offered CPR, and tried to get the water out of Hailey’s body. Caroline kept blaming herself.
“Its my fault for letting her go out in the water after the life guards left. Its my fault for waiting so long to find help. Maybe I could have done something more...” Caroline thought. She really needed to stop blaming herself, it wasn’t helping anything- or Hailey. She looked over as Hailey was spitting up water from the ocean. She still wasn’t breathing. The ambulance pulled up. Caroline saw many people watching the men come out and run with a stretcher towards her best friend. All she could think about was the pain of losing the person that means to most to her. Caroline followed the men onto the ambulance.
“Wait a minute miss, you can’t come on here.” Said the EMT.
“What? I have to be! I’m her best friend. I need to be here for her, and I want to know what’s going on.
“Very well, get in quickly.” Replied the EMT. Caroline hopped in. They had life support on the ambulance, and the thought that they might need it scared Caroline. The hospital ride was a blur. Caroline was focused on Hailey's face and nothing else, but she couldn't help but look at the EMT. They finally got a pulse. That very second they pulled up to the hospital.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was two days later. Once there was tidings of Hailey finally being alright, Caroline could sleep. She was in a comma for about 2 hours, from being so cold, and being knocked out in the water from her Boogie Board. She was in recovery for the last week, and today the Doctor emancipated her from the hospital and said she could go back to the beach. Their family extended their vacation so the girls could have more time. Hailey and Caroline were lounging with their ipods & Pepsi's, yet again, and for once Hailey was just fine with that.
"You know, they should really put a warning label on those Boogie Boards." Hailey Joked. "You could She look over at Caroline who gave her a funny look. She took a deep breath and said, "or maybe we'll just keep the water fun for BEFORE 5:00!" The girls both gave out a big laugh. Caroline was feeling a bit taut about the whole situation.
"Hailey...? I want to make the rest of the vacation as fun as possible for, soo......do you you want to go in the water?" Caroline made a funny face, maybe she shouldn't have asked that? Hailey let out a large sigh and frowned. Caroline quickly became nervous. She started to sweat as she thought that the question could have shocked Hailey or made her uncomfortable. "Or not! I mean, it doesn't really matter to me. Its not a big de-"
Hailey quickly cut her off. There was a nictus as Hailey sorted out her words. She didn't want to soud inept when she told Caroline what she was feeling. She touched the contusion one her head, then began.
"Caroline. What you just asked me made me so happy." Hailey said in a serious voice. "I know your afraid to go back into the water because of what happened to me, and I don't really blame you. So asking that made me feel like you care more about me and this friendship then you do yourself." Caroline's countenance was priceless.
"Oh I.." Caroline didnt even know what to say. As she thought about what her friend had just said to her, she grinned ear to ear, analagous to the one Hailey had. They were best friends; And nothing could ever change that. They gave each other a hug. Caroline truley learned that day, that friendship is the most valuable thing you can ever have.
5 comments:
The main conflict in this story is that two girls are on a family vacation and are swimming when one of them gets caught in an under tow and nearly drowns. This conflict is external because it is Hailey vs Nature to determine whether she survives this experience or not. She actually does end up surviving, and later tries to overcome her new fear of water by continuing to swim with her best friend Caroline. To make the story more dramatic, maybe Nicole could have elaborated more on the actual drowning scene by giving the reader a clearer picture of the setting and situation beforehand.
Both Hailey and Caroline are main characters that change somehow over the course of the story. Caroline becomes more aware of how lucky she is to have Hailey as a friend, and Hailey learns that she needs to be more careful with her life and how safe something is that she's doing. If these two had no changes about them, then the story would have been kind of a letdown because neither would have valued the other any differently.
My favorite part of this story was when Hailey and Caroline are sitting on the beach after the accident, and they both have a realization that they are truly best friends."They were best friends; And nothing could ever change that. They gave each other a hug. Caroline truley learned that day, that friendship is the most valuable thing you can ever have." I liked this part because it showed that no matter what happens, your friends will always stay true to you and look out for you.
The best thing about this story overall was the characters and how well they were developed. From Nicole's descriptions, I felt as if I had known these girls my whole life, and I could even start to predict what they would be able to do in certain situations, like how Caroline was always the worry wart and Hailey just plunged into everything. I think that having such a strong connection to the characters really helps the reader better understand the story.
The theme of this story is about overcoming your fears and helping others to do the same, much in the same way that Caroline wanted to try to get Hailey swimming again although she didn't want to herself. Another part of the theme is that your best friends will stick by you no matter what and always try to take care of you as best they can.
As for correctons, the only thing that I would change is some minor spelling, grammar and typos, and of course adding the vocab words. Good job Nicole!
1. The main conflict of the story was that two families were on vacation and one of them gets hurt swimming. The conflict was external. It was resolved by the girl going to the hospital and living through the injury.
2. The two protagonists are Hailey and Caroline. Caroline realizes how lucky you can be and realizes how good of a freind she really is and Hailey realizes not to take every moment for granted and instead take it all in and try to have as much fun as possible. The change is important because without it they may not be as good of friends as they are.
3. My favorite part is when Caroline asks Hailey if she wants to go ack into the ocean after her accident. I liked this because it showed me how much people care about making other people happy.
4.I think that the plot was the best quality of the tail. It was well developed and you could tell what the five points were.
5. The stories theme is even if you get hurt you should get up and keep trying.
6.I thought the story was good but the one thing i would do is re read it once and fix the spelling mistakes. But other than that it was great.
Authors Notes.
I had an easy time describing the setting, and using naration. I liked describing things as they happened instead of summerizing what happened. I had a really tough time ending my story because i didn't know exactly how i wanted it to finish off. Feedback that would be really helpful would be how to bring my story to an end and still getting the story across.
1) I think that the greatest change i made to my story was probably the ending. My ending went from very vague to detailed. I added in many parts like the fact that Caroline asked Hailey to go into the water.
2) The editing process that was the most helpful to me was feedback on my comments, because it helped me in the direct area i needed tips and advice for.
3) My story's greatest strength would be the theme because its very powerful and shows a strong bond between friends which i like to write about.
4) The advice i would give to people that are going to be writing a short story is that you always need to add details to everything as your writing it because its a lot easier to take detail out, rather then put it in after you wrote it.
Vocabulary Comment.
1)Circumnavigate(v)-to bypass or go around in water.
Hailey was walking in the water to entertain herself as she was waiting for Caroline.
2)Furtive(adj.)-stealthy or sly.
Caroline backed away from the water.
3)Analogous(adj.)-similar
Caroline and Hailey have smiles and facial expressions that are analogous.
4)emancipate- free
Hailey is allowed to leave to hospital.
5)Mangrove- a tropical tree.
Hailey describes the fake mangrove trees at the beach.
6)Indefatigable- never tired.
Caroline describes Hailey as indefatigable.
7)tidings- news or greetings.
Caroline is settled when she hears tidings of Hailey's well being.
8)nictus- a break; a pause.
Hailey thinks about what she will say in a nictus.
9)inept- clumsy or awkward.
Hailey doesn't want to stumble on her words.
10)contusion- bruise.
Hailey has a bruise on the back of her head from where the Boogie Board hit her.
11)countenance- facial expression.
Caroline has a shocked facial expression when Hailey thanks Caroline.
12)gaff- a sharp fishing hook.
Hailey tells Caroline that she wont find any gaffs because its the ocean, not a lake.
13)taut- tense, high strung.
Caroline feels tense about Hailey's situation.
14)irrevocable- not able to change.
Hailey makes a decision that nobody could change.
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